After fighting it as long as we could, the decision has been made. I have to go back to work. This is the most unnatural feeling, and it builds up inside me and makes my hands shake. I know I am not the first mother who has had to go back to work before the end of the first year. (my mom, and how about all those American moms?) I know I am not a special case. But Carter is, and I feel like I have screwed him out of that first steady, easy, predictable first year.
I have always known that I would nurse Carter as long as he wanted to. Let him lead me in terms of weaning, when he was ready. My mom nursed me to 18 months, until one day I went up to her and pulled her shirt back down "no mommy." I know I broke her heart that day. (she reminds me all the time) I swore I would do for my children what she did for me.
How does a mom go back to work, and still allow for child led weaning.. without shortening the experience?
Well, I don't know. But am determined to figure it out.
Les has always been a great support, from day one literally when he fought off a NICU nurse and the dreaded bottle. "Shannon and I feel very strongly about exclusively breastfeeding Carter, please do not give him a bottle if we aren't here. Shannon will come whenever a feeding is needed. If this seems difficult, could we please speak to a nurse that shares our views?" We never saw that nurse again, and Carter never went hungry. So that being said he is very supportive of figuring out a way to keep nurishing our boy with my liquid gold, while I return to work aswell. "I would hate to see you go to formula, after knowing and seeing how important this is to you." (at least I have support cause this is going to be tough)
The plan? Well, we plan to take this next month introducing new foods to Carter and starting the whole process. (gah, I was hoping to just nurse and let Carter pick foods off our plates as he seemed interested.... and not really forse the whole solids thing.) Once he has a good grasp on new foods, start allowing Daddy to feed the occasional late morning/ late afternoon BM bottle. Allowing Carter to get used to that, before I even think about a stranger doing it. My hope is that I can find a childcare provider close to where I find my job. I plan to feed Carter during my lunch or any breaks I may get. Hopefully preventing too much of a switch to the bottle. (though I know that is inevitable)
This post is taking me forever to wrtie... I find I can't even find the words to make this feel right, or make it seem possible. I know most people would think I am making to much of this. Maybe. But, decisions regarding your baby are never easy. I know Carter is resiliant, and he will get plenty of great experiences at a daycare. Selfishly I want my baby home with me, where I know he will be loved, and nurtured. Selflessly I know I need to work, to help provide for my son. So I can continue to give him the best life he deserves.
Maybe Carter will wean himself over the next month... but, I hope in 2 years you see me with a toddler attached to my chest. Then you will know, Carter is leading the weaning. Not Work.
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